My Tales

Deal Ilichapa

deal ilichapa tales by ortis

I’m a low profile guy, I make noise on Facebook but my private life is private. I bet no one knew I have 10 KIDS.

The only thing I ever put out there is my social life. It’s either I’m cooking and posting online or I’m traveling or I’m doing a SHOOT or just working on something with a new client.

But one day, I nearly made it on TV for the right but also wrong reasons. I’m not sure whether to call it Luck or greed. I got a call from a parastatal, they wanted someone to do their documentary showing the success of the projects they have done within the county . I go for the meeting. I do my presentation and what not. They are impressed by my portfolio and ideas and they share with me their expectations, nothing complicated. If that’s all they wanted I would make them look good in that international conference they wanted to present their work.

Shortly after the meeting ends and they promise they will get back to me. One or the committee members pulls me aside and asks me. Boss, how much do you think shooting such a documentary will cost? I do my quick math and tell him, this will cost you at least 2.5M. Thinking this will shock him na aanze ku bargain. He tells me, put the quote at 20 MILLION. WHAT’ THE HECK!!!!!!!!

Eh boss, how will that even work? I ask him

Simple, we Will make sure you pay all your taxes to cover you from taxman. Then from what remains, kila mtu afurahi. So in short instead of making 1M if that was your profit, you can make 10M sweat free.

Ushawahi kukaa chini ukajiuliza kama Kuna Baraka hutoka kwa shetani? Juu kama hii ingekua ya Mungu. Hatungekua kwa corridors planning how to eat money that was meant to help people out there. Manze this situation was bending my integrity. Funny enough at that point in time business was so bad and I was so broke.

So I tell the guy, this can work. I’m game.

Fasta Fasta he tells me to send him a proposal and a financial breakdown of how the job will be done. I rushed to the office, did all that and sent him the email.

I have never seen a Contract and LPO get proceesed that fast. We were game. I was going to make the easiest, fastest money ever in a shoot that would take me 3 days to finish and atleast 3 more days to edit.

Boss, if you are okay with the contents of the document come for the official signing so that this thing starts immediately. Manze I rushed to tao, I couldn’t waste time. Fasta fasta we did all that official stuff and the only thing that was remaining was the go ahead to start. I left that office walking like a rich man. My walking style even changed. Money gives men confidence, I felt like I could walk up to Caroline Mutoko and tell her, madam, let me take you for lunch at Chale Island, just for two hours then we come back. And if she refused it would be her loss. Infact I felt like I could even slap everyone in town that day if they didn’t walk in a straight line, and give them money to calm down their cheeks. Aki maskini aki Pata!! The thought of that money already made me stubborn yet I had like 500 only on me. Money is necessary evil, we need it but at the same time it can destroy us manze.

I passed by little red shop nikaangalia suti, one was sleek, could fit me perfectly and so I ask the guy. How much for this suit boss.? That’s 96k, if you want to, it can be custom made, infact you have a well toned body for a fitting suit. That man just massaged my ego, how did he know I was going to make alot of money, yes I know I have hot body but still how did he know? I felt like I was being watched, so I told him, I will be back, that’s very affordable. Infact I showed him mpaka material nataka, he took my measurements, then told him I will call him in two days for the suit to be made. What is 96k for a suit? Petty ksh!!! This man should know people. We are not on these streets to play. Bank otuch!

That night I didn’t even sleep. I did a break down of how I will use the money. Buy land in Tigoni, go to south Africa for a holiday with my girlfriend, buy a new Mercedes, a Luo man can’t drive a small car with such an amount of money in his account, it is a taboo. Buy a yatch and park it in Lake Kanyaboli down in Siaya, buy a house in kitusuru, buy new film and photography equipment. Invest 5 Million in NSE. Halafu madem wote waliwahi kuniringia juu nimesota, I send them vouchers waende holiday. Just to prove a point, as in who’s laughing now? Aha, aha, aha! That money just looked alot, I was only 23 guys, don’t judge.

The next day I get a call, we were game. My production crew was ready and we were headed to meet the guy in charge of the whole project. When at Nyayo station tukiwa kwa the morning traffic kama kawaida. Listening to Kageni chochaing our Kenyan ladies. Ghaai, ati bwana yako ako na mpango wa Kando? Woi woi woi, wachana na yeye. Aki Kenyan men, what’s wrong with you? Why take your women for granted blah blah blah. Huyu Kageni pia ako na kelele Sana, hajui Leo nakua Millionaire? Nkt, I thought to myself. Then this phone call comes in, Ortis, where are you.? I’m at Nyayo Mr Munene on my way there. I say

Sawa, then do this. Wait for me hapo Nakumatt Mega parking , no need to get to town now. So I zungukad the Bunyala road road about and parked at Mega. 30 minutes later the guy shows up. But he doesn’t look excited as he was the previous day. Munene, Iko nini? Mbona hauna furaha?

Ortis, sorry for the sad news. Yesterday all tenders were revoked by the president. Especially if they didn’t pass through the government online portal. So this job can’t happen. I’m sorry boss, I felt it would be better if I told you in person.

I couldn’t bear this sad news, I just walked to the road island between Nakumatt Mega and Nyayo Stadium. I sat down, my mind wandered off, I forgot that there was even traffic and people were watching me probably thinking I’m one of those hawkers selling bananas. I slept on my stomach as if mourning the death of someone somewhere in Alego,

BANA I CRIED.! Eeiii, I wept!

One week later, all suppliers who did jobs with the same parastatal with ludicrous amounts were summoned in court to explain how they got the tenders and to justify the costs. It was all over news. I was safe. I learnt my lesson. Tag all those entrepreneurs wenye wanangoja deal iive.


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