The first night I spent at Fred’s house as his wife i was not a happy , aki ile kulia nililia, yaani I was so disappointed in myself, never in my life had I thought that nitaoleka juu ya mimba, mi nilijua nitatolewa na harusi haki but shock on me, nilikua nimepatikana.
I texted my mum that same night nikamshow tu anisamehe kwa kumkosea and that I had decided to get married juu nilikua naexpect mtoi wa pili. Mokoro alishtuka yake yote and she assured me that she’ll will always be there for us. My son being the first grandchild kwetu, mum aliinisist abaki na yeye then mimi nikue naenda mtaani every weekend kumwona na I was okay with that.
Sa noma ilikua inafika usiku pale kwa Fred, msee alikua ananyimwa lungula, huyu msee alikua akinishika naskia tu ni kama amenipaka uchafu, nilikua namshow tu mtoto ndio hampendi yet nilikua najua mahali shida iko. Mi nilikua natoka job mapema, so form ilikua kuingia mtaani, kushower, kusort supper na kuingia kudoz ndio mzee asiombee CAT. I even told him to go look for it huko nje but akasema ataningoja hadi day nitakua ready. Mi naye nilikua na make sure nikimeet na Habib nampea tu vitu anagonga vizuri, nikirudi home, nakazia Fred.
So one Saturday morning, I just felt that I was tired of all the lies, this marriage was not my place to be anymore, nikaanza tu kupack vitu zangu nirudi kwetu. Fred akaanza kubeg, this man knelt down begging me to stay, he just wanted a perfect home and I was not anywhere close to giving him that. Mi ilibaki ninefungua roho and I just told him that the baby I’m expecting is not his, do you know what this man told me!? ” I’m the one who pushed you away once, an that’s why you obviously ended up in another man’s arms, mi sina shida na mtoto, just learn to love me na all will be well, usiwai ambia mtu hii story, let it be between us.” Mi hata nilichanganyikiwa zaidi, how could this even be possible, yaani huyu mtu bado hakua anataka kuniachilia despite mi kua na ball ya msee mwingine and so nikaamua tu sasa lazima nisare story za Habib and I work on my marriage.
Habib naye alikua ashashika form ya roady, so he even forgot about me and the pregnancy na akaanza tu kubadilisha madem. As much as I wanted to forget all about him singeweza tu, nilishindwa kabisa, stress ikaanza kukula msichana wa watu, pressure ikaanza kupanda, so kazi ilikua tu hosi home, hosi home.
Fred naye akakua moto, this guy akaingia kwa story za sport pesa, yaani this man could gamble to the last coin he had. Just two months in the marriage na huyu msee aligamble hadi na rent, food nayo ningesort I didn’t have a problem with that but sasa hii ilikua tu shida, stress from both men ilikua inanilemea. The pressure ilizidi hadi I got into pre term labour, that is in the 8th month and gave birth to a kapremature baby girl, January 2016. Tutakaa hosi wiki tatu then finally we got discharged.
Kuzaliwa kwa huyo mtoto changed Fred kabisa, he didn’t want anything to do with my gal, so hata food akaacha kubuy kabisa, my siz ndio ilikua apike kwetu then aniletee food kwangu, Habib naye akajitoa kwa pic kabisa. Mi nilikua nimeisha sasa, post natal depression mara that that, yaani me nilikua tu a total mess. So at two weeks nikienda for post natal clinic, hivyo ndio nilitoka kwa Fred na nikarudi kwetu na nikasare story ya kuolewa kabisa.
My life just came to a stand still, my own mistakes were catching up with me terribly. So mimi niko hapo, two kids at my paroz house, my siblings pia wako hapo, it was just so stressful. So came February, Fred texted me akinuliza nimeaua aje coz sitafanya life yake isimame, and that kama sitarudi kwake nimshow ajipange. I just asked him to move on coz enyewe yetu ilikua imeisha. In March that same year he texted me that alishaget mrembo mwingine mzuri kunishinda mwenye anajua kulinda boma, mi niliisha nguvu hadi kwa miguu but I just wished them well.
After maternity leave, kurudi job nikaambiwa job imeisha, reasons sijawai jua hadi wa leo, so now it was me, a single mum of two na niko jobless. Ushawai feel useless kwa life yako?? Mi nilifeel tu God amenigeuzia aki, nililia hadi machozi ikaisha. The thought of kulea watoto solo yet wako na baba wenye hawana shughuli nao ilikua inaniua kabisa. That’s when I felt that suicide was my only way out.
Sema mission kufail, yaani mi nilikua nipambane na shida zangu tu. Earlier I had texted my mum nikamshow nadai tu kuondokea life and when she came, first thing ilikua kuenda hosi to have the drugs I had used cleared off my system since i was still breastfeeding then second ilikua we find a way forward. Solution ilikua tu kuingia college nisome then nijiendeleze afterwards. As I had said earlier my dad has always been supportive especially ikifikia ni story ya masomo so hakupinga the idea. Came September 2016 nikajoin uni kupursue kadiploma course kangu.
Hapo Uni kuna lec fulani alikua ameniandama mbaya, he made me open up to him na akanihelp nikaget scholarship hapo chuo. The scholarship was covering 75% of my total fees so kuna venye burden ya fees iliondokea mzae wangu.
Huyu lec naye akaanza mambo pia yeye, this guy was married but alikua anadai agonge vitu. Mi nilikam tu kulearn hakuna kitu hua inakam viurahisi kwa hii life.
So first year, nilimanage kumhepa, I was always using my kids as an excuse na alikua anaelewa, but kufikia the second year hapo sasa niliona moto. Kuna unit huyo lec alikua ananifunza na the lec literally made sure that I failed that unit. Yaani I never knew peace in my life, so mi nikasema haidhuru, nitarudia tu hiyo unit na being that yeye tu ndio bado ilikua anifunze I just had to find a way of ensuring that sijafail the unit tena. Ilibidi nimejipa tu but the condition was that I give him head. So hii shughuli ilihappen twice in his office na since alikua short distance runner 30 seconds ilikua imetosha hii shughuli and kufikia mwisho wa sem mi nikapata grade yangu ya maana.
Nilifaa kumaliza the diploma course in 2018 but that didn’t happen. The lec alikua anataka action real sasa, ama my scholarship ikue withdrawn. There was no way I could play to his tune anymore, the blackmail was too much so nikaamua tu solution ni kuacha story ya shule, nitafute uwongo ya kupeana home, wakinielewa sawa, wakikataa pia ingekua tu sawa. Nilimanage kuwaingiza maparo box but they kept on insisting nirudi chuo niimalize nikue tu na hiyo cert.
The lecturer on the hand alireport kwa scholarship committee that I was pregnant and I was planning to terminate the pregnancy so there was no way they’d continue funding my education. So that was that, ni kama mi sikufaa kuenda hata shule in the first place juu ile visanga nimeona tu Kwa mashule ni mob tu.
So I was home again, jobless, with no university certificate and stressed up one more. Trying to get a job haikua easy either juu kila mtu alikua anaitisha tu hiyo cert so mimi nikaamua wacha tu niendelee kukua mzigo kwa wazazi wangu.
Kufikia 2019 my daughter alifaa kuanza shule, I tried reaching out to the dad but Habib hakuniskia hata. Nilifeel tu niko frustrated sana, my parents had already taken my son to school na sasa ndio hii pia hao ndio walikua washughulikie my ka gal, as much as they never complained I felt that the burden was too much for them aki. I just had to find something meaningful to do with my life, I just needed to be a responsible mum, so the idea of baking ikakam through. My parents wakasort fee, nikajoin the classes nikamaliza and in just two months of baking nikapata my first wedding cake order, that was December 2019. Hapo niliomoka pakubwa, and for the first time, nilifanyia watoi wangu kitu.
The joy of being able to provide for your kids is just unexplainable, I’m hoping that I’ll grow in this new journey that I have started.
I also got the courage to go back to school,( this year January) I just had one unit left ndio nigraduate and I’m just hoping for the best.My life has been a living hell, but I decided not to blame anyone for the mistakes I have made in the past. My children are my blessings, my life is nothing without them and that’s why I have decided to stay strong for them.
Mi hua nasema mabuda zao walinipea tu gift ya maana sana, the only challenge itakua explaining to them what happened between me and their dads but niko sure sitawai kosa jibu.For every cake I bake, I always ensure that I nimewai sanitary towels mbili afterwards, hopefully by the time mwaka inaisha nitakua nimebuy kibao zenye zitaweza kusaidia madem hawawezi kujiongea.
My parents, more so my mum have been my pillar of strength and I’m hoping that I’ll make them proud some day.I have also met people that have been supportive, emotionally some even financially. I got my charcoal oven and cake stands courtesy of a friend mwenye nilimeet Facebook.
Kuna wasee wapoa hapa nje Ortis, some that will help you genuinely and I’m always thankful to them, saa zingine hua tunaanguka tu in the wrong hands but wasee ni wapoa.My fear still holds when it comes to relationships, mtu anaeza niapproach akiwa genuine kabisa, but zile sarakasi nitamwonyesha, ataenda tu mwenyewe. I just lack patience needed when it comes to handling relationships or even committing to one person.
I’m always like kama ni sekete unataka sema tu upewe badala ya story mob. I wish I could stop but weeeeuh, imeshindikana, Jadolo naye alianiambia my prince charming is out there somewhere, so me I’ll continue kissing my frogs hadi tupatane. This time round itabidi nikue mtrue kabisa, I can’t afford another scandal.
I’m just hoping that hakuna drama zingine hapo mbele juu I’m still recovering from zenye nimepitia …..