There is nothing as bad as rushing to settle down, just because you feel time is not on your side. Lakini tena getting a sensible, loving person out here is not as easy as it seems.
Vitu nimejionea hii maisha yangu zimenishangaza mno. Mapenzi imekua kama betting, odds seem right, chances of winning are at 99% lakini Ile kuchoma utachoma bet! Heart attack tu! Mauchungu nanii!
At 30, my friend felt that time wasn’t on her side and that she really had to settle down IMMEDIATELY. Nikamwambia ni sawa. So, I hooked her up with my single friend who was also a single father to a 7 year old son. That’s the least I could do to help. Hook them up. Mimi na cupid one side!
Things looked good until 5 months later when she ended up being a mistress in her own house. Imagine unaleta mwanaume kwa nyumba yako na mtoto wake, halafu yeye analeta mwanamke mwengine halafu wewe ndio unakua side chick! Ebu just try and figure out how that works!!
Wacha ni rewind hii tape na biro ndio cinema ianze sasa.
”Aki I need a husband. It’s been so long since I had a serious man in my life and at this point, I’m down for hata an arranged marriage.” (Mwanamke akifika hapa, jua tu amechoka )”
Sue are you sure ama unaongea tu juu uko lonely and horny? Only our parents had the grace to survive arranged marriages, some of them infact. In this generation itakua hard.” I tell her
”Ortis, you don’t get it. Aki my clock is ticking. Time is the one thing that’s not on my side right now. Everyone I get keeps breaking my heart so bad. Ni kama wanaume hii Kenya waliumbwa tu kivunja roho za wasichana.
At this point itabaki mumeanza tu kuoana basi juu mshatusumbua sana. It’s like I always go for all the wrong guys. I either attract married men, or young boys with no vision. I can’t explain this phenomena.
”Then she keeps silent as if thinking of another sarcastic comment to make about us great, understanding, hard-working, faithful, Kenyan men. Then she goes, ama unajua mtu you hook me up?” She asks, smiling sheepishly.
I didn’t see that coming, lol.”
I’m not really sure, not unless I dig through the bin since most of my male pals who are single and are doing well, ni mioto ya kuotea mbali.” I say
”Just do something Ortis, wewe unajuana na watu wengi sana. Do something, not everyone is as happy as you are. Make some calls. Ama unataka kusema nimechapa?” Sue asks.
”Sasa umeskia nikisema umechapa saa ngapi yawa? Sue uko sawa, uko fine thank you, bado uko soko kama kuku za Sanford,tulia.”
”Ortis wacha mambo mob, hook me up..”
”Okay, cool Sue, I will.. Give me time basi nifikirie, by morning nitakua na jibu. By the way uko na stima kwako? Juu mimi sina.” I ask as she stands to leave and go to her place. .
”Mimi niko nayo, but naskia caretaker amekata stima za watu hawajalipa rent bado…” She says
Then it dawns on me, rent sijalipa bado. Lakini hii Nairobi kuishi sio rahisi. Especially if you are in business and it’s like all clients sit down and agree not to pay you on time.
That night I really thought hard about Sue’s request. Everyone on my phone book was either single and a serial cheater, or very married. Some were married and ready to mingle.
The few potential ones were not ready to date, they are still advancing their careers. Plus washaamua no romance without finance, hii kitu ya ati we will build wealth together hawatambui.
Just as I’m about to bring this search to an end, I remember my friend Stevo. It had been so damn long since we spoke. The last time we had come across each other, he mentioned his wife had left him for another man. A richer man, not sure how true that was but I went with the story.
So I call Stevo, he picks up immediately as if he was expecting my call.
”Vipi Buda, siku mob bana.” I say
”Siku mob jo, naona umeni kumbuka.” He says
”Mimi huku kumbuka kila siku bro, ni vile huwa nasahau kupiga tu simu.” I respond.
”Hapo sawa bro, unasemaje lakini, uko na Mazuri ama nini?” He asks while laughing.
”Kitu kama hio.” I say while laughing too…
”Niulize bro, mama wa kwako bado yuko ama alikuwacha kabisa?””Huyo alienda Ortis, aliniwachia mpaka mtoto akisema anafanana na mimi sana na ile shida mimempitisha hii Nairobi, akiona mtoto ni mimi anani ona. Sijawahi skia ufala kama hio aki, hii kulea sio kazi rahisi. Lakini najikaza tu.” he says
”Wah, hio ni noma bro, kwani mlifanyana nini? Ulimkosea?”
”Aaaiii, ziii, huyo alifuata pesa brathe, wacha aende tu. Ni Sawa tu””Usijali msee, hizi ni vitu hufanyika.
Mimi sasa nataka kukupiga through pass, Mungu ameskia kilio chako. Nina jirani flani msawa kuruka, huyu ukimwona utachizi, Pamba saaafi. Huyu hawezi kuku wacha sijui juu ya pesa, anataka tu msee mpoa, unaona je?” I ask.
”Maaaaanze buda, enyewe naona umekua ukinitakia Mema walai, ebu nitumie hata picha nimcheki, na umemwonyesha picha yangu ama umeniaminia?” He asks.
”Ah, buda wewe uko tu sawa, nakuaminia kushinda hata watu walipigia Jubilee kura Mara mbili..Wacha nikutumie picha zake tu sahii halafu uniambie unaonaje.” I say.
”Wazi buda, tuma mbio mbio,..” He says,
So I go to Sue’s Instagram, screenshot several pics and send to Stevo on what’sApp. Naona blue ticks and I know he is viewing the photos. For more than a minute, total silence …
Waaaahhhh, buuuuda, huyu ni siz ya Vera sidika ama nini? Ameiva, mbaya!!!!!!! Huyu nitampenda na roho yangu yote bro. Fanya mambo…” He saysThat excitement was more than convincing that Stevo was ready. Say no more bbruh, I got you.
So I introduced these two people of mine and things went well. In fact, they were both very happy. Things moved so fast though, so fast I even got shocked. In three months they had moved in together. Stevo moved from Umoja to Sue’s place in Langata. That’s how Sue became a mother raising Frank’s son as her own, at her own house. Kila saa, ‘my baby boy, oh, my boys, oh, I have to cook for my boys.’ Thooo!!! Hata nili choka. I let them be, if they were happy, so was I.
But as a man, I find it rather disturbing, when another man moves into the gildfriend’s house. How? For why ?
Then one day, Stevo passes by my house with rather interesting news.”Ortis, mama wa mtoto amepiga simu Jana. Anadai ati bado ananipenda and she wants to move in back with me. Ni kama kuna mtu alimwambia mahali naishi na anafikiria sasa niko na doe. Bana hajui bado mimi ni hustler vile aliniwacha. Wewe unaona ni mshow aje?””Stevo, wachana kabisaaaaa na huyo dem. She messed you once and she will do it again. Sue ni dem mpoa na so far she has been good to you and your son and she has never complained about your financial situation because she understands. Kitu Ex wako anaweza ona ni mtoto pekee.. Lakini usimpatie hata chance kidogo.Bana hii story iishe, nilishakujenga mimi.
Manze usiniangushe tena. Na hii story kanyagia, usijaribu kuambia Sue.”Things went on normally until one day as I was going up the stairs, I heard a frantic scream, ”Geeeeet the F**** out of my house or I’ll call the police. Who the hell do you think you are? F***** you!!
” Mimi kama nyumba kumi chairman and head of security. I went straight up to where the drama was coming from. And your guess is as lucky as mine. In all her glory, she sat there. Bags packed, she was looking away na madharau ni kama haskii kitu anaambiwa.
Stevo was holding his head in utter confusion. He didn’t know how to handle all this drama. Yaani, his Ex, yaaani baby mama, had managed to track him down to the exact house he stayed. And without any warning, she showed up with all her luggage. She had told the watchmen that she is Stevo’s relative and was visiting and they let her in. Infact walimsaidia kubeba mizigo hadi kwa nyumba.
Sue was mad, she had just come from work only to find the Ex in her living room. She asks Stevo ‘What the hell is she doing here Steve?’ Why did you let her in my house? This is disrespectful. With all the kimbelembele she had in her, the Ex just decided to start a fire.
”Hii ni nyumba ya mzee wangu wewe mwanamke, nyinyi ni wale wanawake huchukua bwana za watu wakishakua na pesa, ebu chukua vitu zako uhame” – The Ex responded….. The nerves!!!Sue lost it, hapo ndio matusi zimepanda ndege zilianza kurushwa. Left right and centre.
Stevo was confused, I could tell he didn’t know what to do at all. He was so embarrased and mad at the same time but didn’t have the strength to do anything. All I did was stare. This wasn’t my battle, unless, violence erupted. But for now, I was a spectator.
Then it hit me, their son junior was just there watching so I whisked him away to my house and came back.”Sue, relax, Sue , please, let me handle this.” ”Handle what Steve? Unawacha aje huyu mama akuje kwa nyumba yangu? What kind of a man are you? Ebu mtoe kabla niite mapolisi ama I loose my temper.”
”Lakini Alice hizi ni aibu gani sasa unaniletea? Uliniwacha ukaenda na huyo mjinga wako tajiri, unataka nini na mimi? Please niwache tu in peace, ishia tu.” Stevo pleaded
”Babe, mimi bado nakupenda. Najua nilikukosea vile nilikuwacha, na nataka turudiane. Mimi hata kama nitakua bibi wa pili kwa hii nyumba ni sawa tu. Wewe jua hakuna mahali naenda.” The ex responded
I just held my head with two hands like some nigerian movie. ‘Cheeeeosos!’ Chineeeke ooo! I tapped my agape mouth with the palm of my hands. If you have watched Nigerian movies and know who MAMA G is, you will understand me. I couldn’t believe what I had just heard. Sue ni nani akae akiskia ujinga, wacha kofi moto irushwe and the fight broke out. Now it was my time to come in, separating two angry women who are fighting is hard juu wewe pia watakutusi na vita sio yako. This went on for a while until they both got tired and decided to rest.
I called Stevo aside, ”buda, bana sort out your issues, hizi aibu ndogo ndogo wachana nazo. Mimi narudi kwangu, if you need my help let me know. Wacha junior alale kwangu ikibidi but just sort this out.” I left, not knowing what to expect, until the unexpected happened. So Stevo came for Junior late on at night and assured me that calm had be restored. The kid was dead asleep so he carefully carried him wakarudi kwa nyumba. But that’s not the highlight!!!!It’s either Stevo was a magician or some miracle happened.
Two days later, the Ex was still there. And she was getting along well with Sue, I saw them laughing together mpaka waka high five na hapo ndio nikajua uchawi is real. I had to call Stevo immediately nijue what exactly transpired that it got to this point.”Boss, how did you do it?”He just started laughing and told me, ”bro, wacha nikam nikupigie tu story, hawa wanawake pia wako na mambo.”