My Tales

Musyoka The Great

musyoka the great tales by ortis

So I have this pal of mine, cool, well groomed guy. Of all my friends he is the only guy who shops at Little Red. For those who don’t know what the hell that is, ni shop flani tao ya some Italian guy, i think. They deal in Men’s suits and accessories. A pair of shoes could go for as low as 70k, now imagine the suits! . So yes, my friend is a regular there, he loves standing out. Trust you me, you will notice him.

Now you get the picture? Sindio? He sounds like a Luo Man? Doesn’t he? No, he is Kao. Let’s call him Musyoka, his real name will put me in danger.

So one day Musyoka calls me. Ortis,, vipi bro, uko pande gani? Nataka unipeleke hapa Tasia kiasi ni pick Marashi nilikua nimetumana kutoka States.

He is the only guy who will mention where he has bought his products from just to emphasize on the quality. Bro, nimenunua boxer zengine safi from turkey, zinapatia ‘shemeji’ comfort fiti sana, c utakujia moja ?. So I ask, kwani marashi za Kenya ziko na Shida gani Musyoka?

Bro.. Hizi vitu Local ndio Zina fanya watu wanashikwa na cancer kila saa. Ushawahi kuskia mimi ni mgonjwa? Ni brands bro, cheza na brands. Tumia pesa ikuzoee..

Sawa, ni call ukifika hapo chini kwa gate nishuke. Kwanza umedishi.? Naskia ubao mbaya Sana, c tupitie Man Stevo tunyoroshe Matumbo ugali na Managu?

Aii zii, mimi niko Sawa nimetoka hapo Galleria kukula chicken korrma, by the way Kuna restraunt flani hapo fiti, food zao ni fresh na tamu sana.. Kama hio korma , rice na mango juice imagine nimekula na 1200…πŸ‘€πŸ‘€πŸ‘€.. That conversation ended there, Sawa, Kuja unipick tuishie nitakula baadaye. Guy got jokes!

So he picks me up and we leave for Tasia. On the way we just catch up as he tells me about this business he wants to try out. Then we talk about his mum, he really loves his mum and she will always come up in our conversation. I’m good with that. So he calls the mum, I talk to her too, we have been friends for as long as i have known Musyoka which is close to 20 years.

We get to tasia, now the road in tassia is bad. And navigating the potholes is not a joke. To make it worse we didn’t know exactly where we were going so we had to ask random people for direction. Pale hata Google maps kukusaidia ingekua hard juu it only identifies roads, not holes !

So we pass by this building and we see this huge dark guy talking to the watchman of the the flats. Musyoka stops the car and goes, Vipi Buda, unajua mahali building inaitwa Blessed apartments ziko?

The guy pauses for a second, looks at us, then ignores us. Ni kama hatuko hapo at all. Then he continues talking to the watchman. I got annoyed and clicked so loudly. Musyoka asks him again, boss, tafadhali, ni usaidizi tunaomba tu. Kwa heshima zako. Unapajua? He talks in pure swahili only when he is angry, he was angry. His tone had changed and was shaking .

The guy just shot at us angrily in a heavy accent. Mama yako mbwana, kwani unandhani kazi yangu nii Nailobi ni kupatiana ndilekshons, kama hunjui mahali unaenda kapotee huko, sio shinda yangu, Mimi sio Mama yakoooo!!!!!! Dang!!! He said it, he said mama yako, thou shall not mention Musyokas mum in vain …Remember when we were kids, if someone said MAMAKO!! In caps, it felt so bad? That’s how Musyoka felt…Unconsciously,i went, wawawawa, Yani huyu msee ametukana Mama yako Musyoka, then i held my waist and shook my head in disbelief halafu niko Sonya. I didn’t do this to add fuel to the fire, it just happened accidentally. What’s ku Sonya in English?

Musyoka kept silent, as if taming his anger, trying to be composed and pretend he didn’t just didn’t hear what this guy said. Being the peaceful one kama kawaida I told him. Bro, tuishie, wachana na huyu fala, tuulizie directions mbele.

Ortis, huyu mtu ametukana mama yangu?…anajua mimi ni nani? Hii swali hukua ya hasira and i could feel trouble looming.

Okay, now he was getting mad, Ile mpaka sauti inatetemeka.. Musyoka, amesema tu yeye sio mama yako, Bana tuende uchukue marashi tuishie, mimi naskia njaa mbaya…

He turned on the ignition and off we went, but he was definitely mad. We managed to locate the guy who was to give us the Spray after hitting high bumps and deep potholes, deep enough to drown a man.

On our way back, Musyoka drove straight to that same place the guy had bad mouthed us, he parked In-front of the gate, got out and went to talk to the watchman.

Soldier niaje, huyo jamaa nilikua naongea nayo hapa awali, unaweza nionyesha mahali yuko? Nataka kumwomba msamaha, niliona nilimkasirisha kidogo.

Aaah, ni ukweli, pia mimi niliona ni kama umemkasirisha. Ameenda kwa nyumba tu sahii, ebu enda hapo 2nd floor, house number B2.

Ortis, ebu toka kwa Gari tu pande hivi juu kiasi tu cheki huyo jamaa..

Hehe, yani ushawahi jua kitu inaenda ku happen lakini huwezi simamisha, i made a silent prayer before nitoke kwa hio gari? I got out, we locked it tuka andamana moja kwa moja hadi house number B2.

When we reached outside the house, Musyoka knocked but there was no response, he knocked again but still nothing. Kuskuma mlango kidogo ikafunguka. We looked suspicious, these are the places huwezi taka kuitwa Mwizi. I was torn in between keeping watch while he did whatever he wanted to do, or enter the house with him and give him back up just in case. So we both entered the house bila hata kukaribishwa. Very dangerous move!

When we were in, we could hear someone singing in Kisii in the shower and we automatically knew it was him.

Musyoka removed his jacket, wallet, Original Rolex watch, Phone and gave them to me. Then he folded the sleeves of his shirt. Removed his shoes and walked towards the bathroom. In Tassia its bathroom, washroom ziko kileleshwa please na tusipingane. The difference is evident.

All this while that man hasn’t noticed we are inside his house.. Musyoka moved closer to the bathroom, I watched as he slowly removed his belt and folded it on his knuckles.. But the buckle was still hanging loose. By the way sipendi vita and i didn’t want this to happen, there is no way i could convince Musyoka to let it slide, and there was no way i was going to leave him behind.

He moved backwards again, calculated his steps from the bathroom door to a distance his kick would be most effective. That was Definitely a flying kick being calculated. I don’t know where he got all this time, and balls to enter another man’s house, just to avenge the insult.I forgot to mention, Musyoka has a black belt in Karate, thus the confidence.No way he was going to loose this fight.

When he was confident with his calculations, the next thing, like a scene from a block buster movie, Musyoka flying in the air with a kick. The man was even too shocked to scream…All I heard was Tuup! Tuuup! Those were solid fists mahn, Wacha mishipi zianze, twa twa twaa…a ka short sharp scream, waaai!!! Twa, Nyamaza! Musyoka commanded in a hush tone as if caning a kid. The guy tried to run but slipped just outside the bathroom.. Musyoka bado alikua na yeye tu… Mishipi naniii.. Mishipi!

Before he knew it, ashapigwa ngeta, if you are a cool kid.. Ngeta is Nyonga’ing someone with your biceps and forearm.. That’s the best way I can break it down.

C ulikua unajiona mwanaume, ongea SaSa mshenzi wewe.

The man was panting heavily, and the fear in his eyes was real. Musyoks jo, wachana na huyu jamaa tuishie. Wewe, ebu mwambie pole sisi tuende zetu.. I told the guy.


Sema kwa nguvu, Slap!- Musyoka reacted

POLE….. Naomba Msamaha.

Once he said this, Musyoka let hi go.

You see, no matter how strong or dangerous a man is, fighting naked is a No…The pendulum is at risk. Plus the most important thing to protect are always the balls.. Better be a coward than Ball’less.. Utaambiwa nini watu aki? Kwani utakohoa watoto?

Musyoka passed his message, he was content. He looked satisfied. The man sat on the floor, still puzzled. I really wanted to run because I didn’t know what was going through that man’s head. I’m not a coward. I just believe that attacking a man in his own house is like attacking a leopard on a tree. It knows its turf.

I gave Musyoka his things, he was patient enough to put them and seeing him do so was the most annoying thing, we needed to flee. Just as we were going down the stairs. Musyoka bragging how that man has learnt his lesson and would never dare talk about someone’s mother like that again.

A deafening sound hit our eat drums, the reverb between the stairs made it worse. When I turned around to see where the hell that sound was coming from. I came face to face with that Nozzle… The gun was pointed directly at us. I don’t know whether he missed or it was a warning. WE RAN!

At the exit/entry of the building we meet the soldier who was also rushing inside but he had to receive a flying kick and a slap at the same time, jamaa aligeuka pia yeye akatoka tu mbio. He wasn’t sure what he was running away from but we were. Getting caught was the last thing that was going to happen.

How we got inside the car was still a mystery to me. He couldn’t follow us, or would he ? he was still naked. Musyoka drove the car like and ambulance.. We never felt the potholes, we just went…We were mean’t to go to Langata, how we ended up in Kajiado ndio sikuelewa mpaka Leo. We all have that one Angry, Dramatic friend who would put us in trouble. Big up to them! TAG THEM ALL…..

Facebook Comments

Leave a Reply