‘I once, nearly, slept with a man’. Yes, I have said it. How you decide to interpret that statement is entirely on you, Mano ok badha parie! I will still tell my story.
Yesterday a client calls me, Ortis, there is a corporate function tomorrow at Serena Hotel, kindly get there at 6am and do content that will be taken to media stations. So today I wake up at 5am, by 6am nishafika Serena. I call the client like, niaje, nishafika, mko kwa hall gani? The guy says, let me call your contact person so you can meet up with her. 2 minutes later the guy calls me back, Ortis, manze pole, imagine the event is at 6pm. I was given the wrong information, I hope you will still show up at 6pm? Yes I will, but I have an inconvenience cost so, let me bill you once I get to the office.
So I’m here having rojo rojo chicken soup with two chapatis. I was the 1st person at KK restaurant, these guys are specialists with chemsha kind of food, healthy food. Being on Koinange street, a good meal is good once in a while . It comes in handy! Sana Sana masaa ya giza.While having my breakfast I remembered that man. Let me tell you about this man. Crazy man.
So on this day after having dinner I retreat to bed. I was even too tired to catch a movie. I’m one of the fraction that go to bed commando style. It’s my place, I do as I wish, sindio?
Kidogo kidogo, usingizi ikanibeba. Mimi hio time naota niko movie date with ze Maureen of Elani, that girl has confused me since time immemorial. Aki BBW’s, me I just don’t know, they have a special place in heaven.
Mimi katika harakati ya kuota, naskia mtu anafungua mlango. But kwa ndoto yangu ni Maureen anafungua ze door to my heart. And it was opening. Halafu nikaskia mlango ikifungwa, but ndoto inaniambia hio ni kifungu ya roho yake, ameweka kwa roho yangu, na akaifungia huko ndani. So ako ndani ya box!!!!
Suddenly I hear loud steps walking towards my master ensuite bedroom. Nikajua hii sio ndoto, something is about to go down. Only two people could walk into my house just like that unannounced, either my gf or one mad man called Ronnie Nyauchi , but there is no way they could do that at 1am. Kwani ni wachawi!!
So I see this man standing on the entrance of my room. He is huge, smells of alcohol and he just stood there staring. I didn’t move, I wanted to see what he was going to do next. Having been in a dark room, I could see him well, especially using the limited light passing through my room curtains. But he couldn’t see me good enough.The man removes his shirt, then belt, pulls down his trousers. Then starts walking towards my bed.
This time my guards are up, and I had calculated my punches, plus I had a secret weapon he was not ready for.’
Weeeh, ebu nisongee, halafu nataka vitu na sio tafadhali’. Aki sijawahi skia mtu akiitisha sex na fujo hivyo, ungedhani anaitisha ugali saucer. And before I knew it his arms were all over me. The man was in a spooning mood too. Ile mbio nilitoka kwa hio kitanda!!!!!! Hata nilisahau nafaa kurusha ngumi.
The next thing I was standing on the entrance of my room panting heavily, and in my hand, a very very veeeery sharp panga. And the lights were on.
Have you ever seen a grown up man confused until he thinks he is going mad? Yeye kwa akili yake I’m the man banging his wife and here I am ready to kill him. Then he realizes, shit, this is not my house, the next thing he says.
Aki Mungu wangu, kwani niko wapi?? Wooooi!!! Holding his head with both hands.
All this while I have not said a single word and I’m staring straight at him. Did I mention I was commando? Halafu then I was ripped, typical definition of kijani wa miraba minne. He had to fear. But when I saw a tear rolling down his face, ndio nikajua huyu jamaa amepotea.Me: Unafanya nini hapa boss?
Him:Aki pole, nilikua nadhani hapa ni kwangu, ni ulevi manze, nisamehe.
Me:Bana wacha ujinga, vaa hizo vitu zako uende kwako.Him: Aki Asante Sana, na usiambie mtu tafadhali,Me : Sawa basi, we ishia tu., then I returned my weapons of distraction.And just as he was puting his Trouser on. Guess who appeared? My girlfriend…
One naked man, another man putting on his Trouser. Two naked men in a roomHii story isifike Mrs please… Please! And don’t share.