THE CRAZY TYPE

It’s been a while since I wrote, najua mumenihata, nimewahata pia. I’m even thinking of chomaing two full mbuzis ndio msinisahau aki. This has been quite a busy year and any free time I get I’m either making Mandazis or marinating something. So mnaonaje ? Mbuzi ichomwe ?

Watu walipotea na mastory lakini zimerudi and today we talk about wicked wicked women. Those women who can make you pack all belongings na urudi ushago uanze kuongea na ancestors, watu watafanya Akili iruke na usijue. Imagine they exist and many men are suffering out here. If you watched Naija movies you understand how wicked Mama G could get sometimes.

For our first story, let’s name our victim Karanja, this is a rare name so we can’t associate it with any drama like Kevo or Brayo. I only know of one Karanja and he is one of the coolest and polite guys I Know.

So Karanja has been living with his girlfriend for the last 2 years. Their relationship isn’t formal that’s why I choose to call her a girlfriend. Najua serekali imesema watu wawili wakiishi pamoja for over 6 months they are officially a couple, PLEASE ! Let’s not force issues, even roommates stay together, does that make them a couple? Hell no !

So Karanja comes home one evening, he is tired and hungry kama kawaida. But his person amecheza kama yeye and on that day she has even prepared his favorite meal. Everything seems normal but he notices his lady is a bit quiet on this day.

Him: Babe uko sawa ?

Her: Yes I am…. Silence.

Him: Mbona umenyamaza hivyo ? Nini mbaya?

Her: Nishakuambia Niko sawa, let’s just enjoy the meal in silence.

Him: Thinking out aloud ‘ Sasa nimefanya nini surely, Sasa huyu nini inamfanya? Aaah, Wacha Mimi nimalize pilau nikalale’….

Her: Nimeenda kulala, goodnight!

Him: ‘Looking a bit confused ‘, Eh, sawa basi, goodnight babe..

She stood up, took her plate to the kitchen and straight, she went to the room. At this point Karanja is wondering what the heck he did.

Ama ni hormones tu , oooo, inaweza kuwa Bei ya mafuta kuongezwa? He wondered… Lakini hana gari huyu msichana na sio ATI tunapika na petroli.. Since he didn’t want any more drama he decided to let it slide. Some 30 minutes later he joined her in bed.

It was one of those days when he really wanted to get some. Na tayari anapigwa vita, or maybe she knew he wanted to seize cat and she was just playing reverse psychology?? So he started touching touching her here and there.. I won’t expound on this since most of you are too adventurous na mnapenda kufikiria sana… Fate smiled on him and the next 10 minutes were put into proper use. An effective round one, round two wachia watu wa dondi tafadhali. Akajiambia ki moyo moyo ‘Yaani hii ndio kitu ilikua inamsumbua ? Si angesema tu mara Moja na awache drama unnecessary.. Anyway, they were both too tired at this point so they blacked out..

They were tired ,that’s what he thought, only for him to hear his name being called a few hours later..

Her: Karanja Ebu amkaKaranje: Babe aki I’m tired, can we have round two when we wake up. Her: Karanja Wacha ujinga, ebu amka sahii.

Karanja: Aaah, Mimi siamki, I’m too tired for anything Jess, tumalize hii mambo asubuhi…’Karanja was under his duvet trying to avoid the light, Jess alikua amewasha taaa….

Suddenly he felt his duvet get grabbed and thrown away ndio akajua hapa Kuna noma. He was now awake and shocked at the same time.

Jess stood there , she was crying uncontrollably. She had this evil gaze while crying, not those innocent tears za break up. This one was different and Karanja felt it too, something wasn’t adding up.

Karanja: Nini mbaya babe, mbona unalia ? She didn’t answer, she just looked at Karanja .. and in a sudden switch she stopped crying…

Wewe Leo unataka kujua Mimi ni nani ! She said..Okay, that warning was so heavy Karanja felt it. He felt that cold sweat drip down the back of his neck akajua hapa Iko shida….

On a closer look he saw her holding a matchbox and a match stick, but why does she have a Matchbox in the bedroom.? He wondered

Karanja: Babe mbona uko na kiberiti bedroom? Unataka kupika ?

Jess: She walked back and opened the bedroom door wide enough and in an instant, Karanja knew what was going on. The gas sipped in fast and he knew all ventilation had been sealed and the gas cylinder was being leaked…

Karanja: What are you doing Jess ? He asked in a shaky voice …. He was terrified ! Jess was holding a matchsticks already , ready to blaze up the whole house and turn the two of them info roast meat.

By the second, the gas filled the whole house, Karanja could feel it inside his lungs. Hapa the slightest spark of fire ingekua noma.

Karanja: Jess hii ni nini ? Why are you doing this ?

Jess: Karanja why are you cheating on me ?? You thought I wouldn’t know?

Karanja: Aaaah ! What the hell do you mean ? Who am I even cheating on you with ?? Nini mbaya na wewe.

Jess: Why are you shouting at me !! She shouted while saying this …

Karanja: I’m shouting because you want to kill me… Do you want me to whisper ?

Jess: Karanja if I’m not having you, no other woman will.

Karanja: Which woman ? Who are you talking about Jess ?? What do you mean? And why are you talking as if I’m dead ?

Jess: Because you are about to die!Jess was trembling by now, machozi gubi gubi, eyes had turned black like a witch. And Karanja knew, this was it.. Yani the way he had lived a holy and honest life hoping to go to heaven, shetani akaamua lazima aonje hell hapa duniani kwanza. Ghalfla bin vuu Jess in one motion, Shwaaaa !! Jess moved her hand to ignite the fire while Karanja raised his hands in anguish,,….

Silence !! No fire … Yet ?Karanja opened his eyes, Jess was still standing there.. Kumbe alikua ame miss kiberiti ….

Karanja sprang from his bed and Sprinted towards the main door. Kuifikia, akapata Jess alishafunga mlango na ameficha kifungu…He changed direction and Sprinted towards the balcony door, it was closed too. At this point he got into survival mode, he picked up a stool and broke the balcony windows and he moved through the broken glass like a mad man….

Immediately he got out he didn’t even wait to get a breath of fresh air. He just started screaming….Uuuuwi ! Anajaribu kuniua, Uuuuwi !! Aaah, the man shouted.. he didn’t care about his masculinity at this point, it was all about his life now…

One by one neighbors started coming out , the security guards also rushed to his main door and started making attempts to break it down…Jess appeared from the room with the Matchbox …

Babe what’s wrong ? She asked Karanja ?

Karanja: What the hell do you mean what’s wrong na unajaribu kuniua ?

Jess: What do you mean najaribu kukua, why are you being dramatic?Before Karanja even spoke another word, mlango ndio hio ikaangushwa. They came in with their rungus ready to attack. Then they saw Jess with the Matchbox and matchstick still in her hands. One of them smells the gas and sees the matchbox ,he didn’t even wait to be told what was going on. He sprinted back to where he came from with the rest following him.

Yani watu walikuja kusaidia left Karanja on his own and fled…Now they were back to being alone again.

Karanja: You are a wicked woman, why are you trying to kill me??

Jess: Babe I was sleep walking,I don’t remember anything. Na mbona nyumba inanuka gas, kwani Ina leak???

Karanja: 😐, it’s at this point that he knew he lives with a psycho. Ati sleep walking?? You never ever sleep walk, you are a murderous witch.

As I type this, Jess hasn’t seen Karanja in the last 3 years. He left with his boxers, vest and important documents in a laptop bag never to return again.

Me:So did you cheat on her ? I ask

Karanja: Bro, I just kissed the other girl once and she texted telling me how much she liked it, it’s not like I cheated. Does that warrant me to be killed ? These emotionally unstable people are dangerous, Period !

NB: I have great news, like really great news. Since I’m a full time documentary filmmaker, I have decided I will start shooting short films in the next two months. I have received numerous requests to do films and I have bowed to pressure. I hope you will support this noble idea and help me spread the word once we do our first film. Maybe we will establish our little Hollywood on this platform. For more updates, kindly subscribe on the website…