My Tales


If you are a man, and you don’t drink alcohol or watch football, then you are automatically a womanizer! This narrative nimeskia hadi nikachoka. Nini huwasha watu hapa nje? Shenz!

Anyway, i don’t drink alkoho or go out at night, i stopped. Nowadays i wonder why would someone enjoy staggering and choose noise over sleep? In fact i woke up one morning and i decided not to ever drink again. Have i died? No! Not until i become the president of this country and bring positive change.

So what do I do for fun? Ehe, hii nitajibu siku ingine. For now, let’s talk about something i used to do, nikipata syk nitaendelea. Kaeni chonjo from hapa, ndio story inaanza.

It was on a Saturday, so there was definitely a wedding taking place in the hood. So mimi kama kawaida, it was another day to gate crash. How did I choose where to be? Nilikua natoka tu poa kwa nyumba like someone who was going to attend something important, but si weddings are? Yani ningechapa suti watchman adhani naenda ku sign contract hatari kama Corona kumbe ni kuku za bure na pilau ndio target for the day.

I would go to the 1st venue, check the decor, the vehicles, the line up nione kama wanakaa watu wa jiji ama kijiji. Since the churches were close to each other, nilikua nakimbia venue 2 and 3 haraka upesi as i decide which wedding to attend. Now this is fun watu wangu, On this particular day, i noticed that the wedding taking place was grand. Guests had arrived in five 67 seater buses and state of the art Motokaa.. Nikaona hapa harusi leo itashika. Nikaamua ni rauke tu na bridal team. I find it professional for anyone attending a wedding to go for the service too. Lakini ni kama Kenyans sat down and decided harusi ni reception.

Kuona hapa form inakaa imejipa. Mimi nikaamua kujialika harusi. I drove into the church compound, parked halafu nikatoka tu vizuri kwa gari and started walking towards the church hall.

Along the way I was posing for the cameraman kama model wa kulipwa.. Kidogo kidogo someone stops me and goes like

‘Hi, are you here for James and Rozys wedding?

Yes yes, is it far from starting? I ask

No, actually Rozy is on her way, kindly get inside so that by the time she arrives everyone is ready, she says.

Sounds like a plan, thanks for the heads up.

The decor inside the church looked beautiful. People dressed down bana, watu walikua wamechapa look left right and center. Kimoyo moyo nikajiambia, this is where i belong today!!

We were instructed to sit down all of us for the service to officially begin. The bride had arrived. I was just curious to see how this beautiful event would turn out. The music was turned on and the groomsmen together with the bridal team started dancing in pairs, pulling moves you only see in dancehall songs. The energy was just perfect to set the pace for the day. We, the congregation, cheered them on and they gave us a show.

One thing that stood out for me was one, the bridal team, all the ladies were super hot, i was curious to see the bride. There is nothing as dangerous as the brides maids being flyier than the bride. The attention always shifts, so listen future brides, mkifanya harusi, hata kama utatoa maids wako ushago ni sawa. Just make sure you remain the center of attraction. You need to stand out. Let you hot friends wakue ushers na wa collect gifts tafadhali. Hakuna vile itakua harusi yako na wengine wetu tunaangalia watu wengine kwa line up . Please! Let’s just agree on this issue.

The moment came, ‘May we all stand up for the bride and the parents as they walk in’.

Mimi nilikua tu nataka kuona huyu bride anakaa aje, so i sat along the isle, when she started walking in with her parents, i removed my phone like everyone else. But now i was not taking photos yet, i zoomed her in completely to check her out. Alikua sawa kiasi chake, to look normal i snapped some shots as i waited for her and the parents to get closer. I averted my eyes towards the groom, he was crying.

Why? I DON’T KNOW!!!!!

Men, why do you cry when you see your wives walking down the isle? Hizo siku zengine mbona haukua unalia kwa nyumba mkiwa pekee yenu? I need to understand this phenomenon. Juu wenye wanalia sana siku ya harusi, after the wedding, kazi sasa ni kufanya bibi zao ndio walie juu ya never ending drama. ‘Pombe sigara, naweza wacha bila ku ngangana, lakini, hawa…….

The sermon started with joy and laughter. The pastor was funny, everyone was happy. I couldn’t wait for reception to begin na ndio harusi ilikua inaanza aki. Anyway, vitu zikaenda mbio and the moment we were all waiting for arrived, the vows. I even decided to get ready to capture the moment.

James, do you take Rozy to be your lawfully wedded wife? I do,

He responded to all the questions kama kawaida……when he kwinished we Clapped. I was really happy for him, wondering how none of the maids managed to confuse him before this day. Yes the wife was beautiful, but the MAIDS NA HIZO SLIT ZAO! Eish!

Then came the bride’s turn, the best lady held the mic for her as she got ready to follow suit. She looked nervous, not happy but nervous, i understood the feeling, how? Sijui since i wasn’t married yet at that time.

So the pastor continued with his duty of unification. Rozy, do you take James to be your lawfully wedded husband, to love and to hold,..

Silence, Rozy looks at Jamo lovingly, Jamo smiles at her while squeezing her hands in his as he waits for the response.

We all wait with bated breath and Rozy breaks the suspense with her response.

I DON’T! she replied

That answer confused me and in my head it registered as I DO. So i clapped mpaka nikapiga vigelegele, everyone turned and looked at me in shock. Then i got shocked too on their behalf and Jamo’s and i held my head in disbelief.

The pastor let out a rather sarcastic/confused laugh and said.

Sorry church, i don’t think Rozy got the question well, sometimes these lovebirds get so excited and mix answers. So i will repeat the question again, warm your hands for a hearty clap congregation.

Rozy, do you take this handsome man in front of you to be your….. Kwa akili nilikua naskia blah blah blah pastor aki ongea, nilikua nangoja jibu tu..

I DON’T, she said this firmly now.

Jamo was so shocked, he started crying again. I felt him why lie. I was also shocked i let out a sharp laugh and said ‘Shetani ashindwe!!! He knows what he did pastor, i am not marrying this man in front of me. As i look straight at him, I’m not even sure if i know who he is ..

Church, let’s pray, there is an attack amongst us. Let’s deliver our beloved ones, this isn’t normal. Wacha tuanze maombi za kutoa mashetani kwa Rozy. Tuliomba weh! 20 minutes non stop. When done, pastor akauliza tena, Weh msichana? utaoa huyu mwanaume ama bado hutaki.? Nishasema simtaki pastor….

I couldn’t believe it, yani hivi ndio reception ilikua tu inaenda kunipita? And what did Jamo even do? Whatever he did, inakaa ali choma picha mbaya sana. And i highly suspected one of the bridesmaids might have been involved. Why do i suspect, I’m a good judge of character na kuna mmoja alikua ana fidget sana and she kept looking away as all this was happening. By now their mothers were crying. The fathers were seated down trying to comprehend what the hell was going on and us the congregation tulikua tu perplexed if not flabbergasted…

Sasa nilikua najiuliza, should i go home, will this reception happen. Do i go for another wedding, ‘wedding hopping’ , an equivalent of club hopping. Will those bridesmaids be as hot as these ones? I was in a ‘quagmire’ , another vocabulary, people, remove your dictionaries please! I was crestfallen! Why did that lady pull that random move? Why refuse your future Hosband at the altar? Was it the devil? Was it Jamo’s fault ama there was another man in the picture? Awuoro parie.. Hivyo tu ndio nilitoka nikaenda wedding B.

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